I had Faith
by Trigs
Summary: A long Vignette on what happened to the X5's. Rated for swearing. No smut


Crawling  
  
  
  
Oh blessed lady. I pray to you for strength, for cunning, for anything I need. I've always had   
faith in you. Through all I've been subjected to, through the tough times that I've had to run   
from, through my thirteen years at Manticore, through my nine years of freedom.  
  
And now, when I think of you, I feel like I'm crawling in my skin. The wounds on my heart will   
not heal. I fear you, wondering why you could let this happen. HOW you could let this happen.   
Why the hell weren't you there to protect us. We NEEDED you, and you turned your back on   
us, your devoted X5's.  
  
When Jack got your picture, and Ben made you our savior, I was the most devoted of any of   
them. I was more devoted than Jack, Eva, Max, Brin, Tinga, Corgen, Kiri, Jondy, Zack or even   
Ben. I was the first to give you my tooth. I always prayed to you. You let me down.  
  
You let them take Jack away. We all watched as the guards dragged him out of our dorm, and   
away. Ben wanted to know why he was taken away. I think I was the only one up that night,   
aside from Ben. We heard the scream. We heard the sound of someone being butchered. I think   
it took its toll on Ben. I know it took a toll on me. I still wake up hearing the sound of Jack   
screaming. He wants me to come back for him, to return to Manticore and save him. I know   
he's dead, and I know I can't, but his screaming still penetrates me dreams.  
  
And yet I still had faith.  
  
Then you let them take ME away. I was taken down into the basement and locked in a cage with   
X2 045. You let them leave me there for years. Two long, agonizing years. It made me   
stronger, but it nearly killed me. I nearly killed me. I cut my wrists twice. Manticore made me   
keep living. They spent millions one me. They weren't ready to let me die.  
  
I got out, but no thanks to you. I made it out on my own merit. I was the one who started the   
fire that was said to have killed me, X5 631. It did kill X5-631. I left her behind at Manticore.   
All that still exists is I, Trigs. Little Trigsie who used to listen to Ben's stories until she fell   
asleep, not the monster whom destroyed the convict because he had a tattoo. I have a tattoo now.   
It's a Chinese symbol. It means love.  
  
I found out you let Eva die soon after I got out. I travel with an X2 and an X4. Carn and Renz.   
They don't have faith in the Blue Lady. They have faith in themselves and me. So do I. They've   
never let me down. They wouldn't have let Lyedecker shot Eva in cold blood. I remember   
listening to the guards talk about it. The guards? I hated them to. They hurt us. I got out before   
I went into heat. Many of the girls didn't. The guards took advantage of that.  
  
I'm glad you let Max out. I don't think any of us would have forgiven you if you hadn't let little   
Maxie out. She was our baby sister. We all loved her. She was the one of us I knew would   
never be kept down. I loved her, even though I think she thought I hated her. She was the one   
we all had to take care of. She made it out on her own  
  
My faith was intact.  
  
I made it out too. I lived my own life. I became who I wanted to be. I've been all over the   
country. I know where all my siblings are. I can watch them whenever I want. I know what   
they do, where they do it. I'm like a shadow. I can follow and not be noticed. Lyedecker would   
be proud.  
  
I miss Brin. You let her get that damned disease. You let her age. You let her, after I let her see   
me. I went into a post office, shook my head and let her glimpse my barcode. We met and   
talked for one night. She became sick the next day. I sent her ahead to Seattle, to meet up with   
Zack and Max. She was caught. I tried to get her, but I couldn't let Max and Zack and   
Lyedecker see me. It took me thirteen years to rid myself of Manticore, and I was selfish. I gave   
Brin back to them for my freedom. I let them take her back to the hellhole and flash those   
damned pictures in front of her, and make her into the perfect soldier again. I let them take her,   
because YOU didn't do anything to help me. Know she's one of them again. They convinced   
her I'm dead. I don't know if she told them anything about me. Maybe she did and they're just   
letting me feel safe. Until I'm sure, I won't feel safe.  
  
I saw Tinga after. I had decided to let her know, because she would need me with her son and   
husband. We met, and we talked all night. It was wonderful. I crashed at her house one night,   
and then had to go make sure all my affairs were in order in downtown Portland. I left her alone   
one night and Eyes-Only flashes on the screen saying that she's been compromised. I ran as fast   
as I could to her, taking a few Manticore guards with me. When I found her, she was heading to   
Canada with Zack. She didn't tell him about me. She knew I hated him. She knew I would   
never forgive him. She left with him, and I never saw her alive again. I heard her once more,   
being put into the glass case. I heard her scream. She screamed like a banshee, begging for Case   
and Charlie as the tubes entered her body. I took her out of her misery. I used a mild poison. I   
came up behind the tubes and put it in. She never felt it, but it killed her instants before Max and   
Zack came crashing in. She died in Max's arms. I saw her once she was dead. I wanted to help,   
but I would have ended up face to face with Lyedecker, and I know myself, as well as you do.   
He wouldn't have lasted a second if I had the chance. It takes all my will power to not run and   
kill him for what he did to us as kids.  
  
After Tinga left Portland, I returned to Wyoming, to my siblings still stuck in Manticore. I found   
three in particular. Kiri, Corgen and Creeg. Kiri and Creeg wanted out. I got them out. I found   
out how to get in, and I took them out. It was I. I got two of my siblings out. I would have gone   
back for Brin, but she was in the infirmary. I blame myself for her, and I couldn't get her out. I   
got Kiri and Creeg out. They still can't believe I lived through the fire that supposedly killed me.   
I can't either, but they said you must have protected me. We got out of Wyoming all right,   
mainly because it was believed that they were both deceased. We made it out, only to run into   
Corgen, who was out looking for Zack. He fought me. Kiri and Creeg ran, as I ordered them. I   
fought my own brother. He tried to snap my neck. He thought I was some sort of trick of Zack's   
to destroy his allegiance to Manticore. He thought he owed Allegiance to Manticore. I taught   
him otherwise. I beat him. I broke his arm, just as Lyedecker did to me when I was a little girl.   
I could have taken him with me, but I ran out of time. I told him who I was, that I was Jondy,   
and he believed me. I ran from there like a child afraid of the monster in the closest.  
  
The monster in my closet it Manticore.  
  
And yet I had Faith.  
  
When Ben started killing, I got worried. He was my friend, my compatriot in Manticore. I was   
the only one he talked to during the last six months of his life. He came to me when he killed the   
first woman. She was a kindergarten teacher. She was a mom with three kids. She claimed to   
have been healed by faith. Ben took it she believed in the blue lady. I met her a few days before   
Ben went after her. I knew I couldn't stop him. I wanted to kill him…  
  
DID YOU HEAR ME! DID YOU HEAR THAT I WANTED TO KILL HIM!  
  
I wanted to kill my own brother! He was going to kill the lady, a woman I considored to be   
nothing but a woman with a little luck. Ben took her out to the swamp, tattooed her neck, and   
killed her. I hid the body. I couldn't bare the thought of Ben being returned to Manticore, to   
have the same things done to him as they were to me. I just couldn't. I helped him hide the   
bodies three more ties after that. I can still see the faces. When I refused to help again, Ben left.   
He walked out of my life in a huff. I don't know if he ever forgave me. I don't know if I want it,   
his forgiveness. He was a murderer, a cold blooded murderer. Yes, I know we were made to   
kill, not murder. We were…are soldiers. We kill other soldiers. My hands are clean of all   
innocent blood. I've never spilt innocent blood. I've broken hearts, and stabbed people in the   
back, but never killed.  
  
I followed Max out to the woods that day. I tried to signal to Ben and her, but Manticore was   
coming. I was up in the trees, and I heard his neck snap. It's an awful sound, the sound of   
someone's neck snapping. It's even worse when you know it's your brother. I wanted to go help   
him. I wanted to take him away, take him with me and make it all better. I couldn't. I know I   
did what was right. He was a murderer. He tried to kill Max.  
Max… Why does everything go back to that bitch.  
  
And even after Lyedecker found Ben, I wept. I wept in joy and in pain. I missed him, he was   
my brother, I loved him. He killed though. I also wept for joy. Max saved him from my deed.   
She'll never know I was tracking Ben, that I tipped off eyes-only as to where he was headed.  
I betrayed my Brother to Manticore. I almost gave him to Manticore. I almost sent him back to   
the hellhole he escaped from eleven years ago.  
  
After that, I felt unclean. I wandered to New York City, and stayed alone. I felt as though I   
wasn't me. I felt dirty, like I was not what I should be. I wondered if I should go back to   
Manticore, to make up for what I nearly did to Ben. I wanted to be what I was made to be, a   
soldier. Manticore made me. Manticore trained me. The other X5's were my comrades.   
Nothing more. Even now, I wonder if I should return to Manticore, to be with my sister, Brin.   
She was always my favourite. Little Brin. I should go back. The other X5's mean nothing to   
me…  
  
I would still have faith, even if I was in Manticore.  
  
I wish I could say the others meant nothing to me. They all hold places in my heart. Jondy and   
I, we were the same age. When we were born, the same nurse tended us until we were three, and   
given to Lyedecker. We… I knew Lyedecker would prey on our friendship, so I ended it.   
Jondy and I stopped talking, except for the rare night Max fell asleep. I've seen her, but you   
know that. She was still in San Fransico. I went to her bar and had a few drinks with her. She   
didn't know me.  
  
Why can't I leave them behind. That Bitch messed with my genes, gave me the strenght of what   
will become your above average X9. I am faster than they ever imagined. I swear I can hear the   
thoughts of the other X5's when I'm near them, but that could just be my damned Caffine   
addiction. I'm better than them.  
  
They made me who I am though. Max, Brin, Jondy, Tinga, Krit, Syl, Zane, Ben, Jack, Eva…  
  
My family.  
  
I want to go back, but I have a score to settle. My C.O. He and I need to have a little chat   
which'll end with me busting his head open to find out where Krit and Syl are. I want to know, I   
need to find them.  
  
He's the only one I can't forgive. Zack. X5 599. He knows about me. He knew I didn't die in   
the cage with the Nomolies, and he knew I made it out. I've accosted him a few times, thought   
never openly. He's got a death wish if he keeps messing with me.  
When I kill him, I'll either kill myself, go to Manticore, or take over where he left off. He   
couldn't protect Tinga, or Ben. I could have, but I was too slow. It was bad of me to let them   
die, but I can live with myself.  
  
After All, I have faith in the Blue Lady.  
  
  
  
  
Authors Note: Takes place halfway through AJBAC. The charcater speaking is mine. No one   
else in this is.  



End file.
